Welcome to My Mind

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 12:59:15 GMT

Ok, so it's 9am on a Wednesday and I already have an hour of overtime for the week. And I'm not the only one, and certainly I don't have it the worst. This place is just a little nuts. But yeah, if I seem flighty or out of it just try to be understanding.

Sun, 20 May 2007 04:24:57 GMT

It is something painfully hilarious about my life, an inescapable tragic fact that I will never be happy. I suffer from what has to be just chronic clinical depression. I'll go through a long period of mild high and then a long period of mild low, then bob through really, really low. Nothing is right, nothing feels right. All I want is someone around to give me a hug and make it ok, but by the very nature of my life I've never really had that. I always pick men who are inaccessible to me, friends are always too busy. I went through this exact bullshit last year and I changed my life. Changed plans, how I looked at things, everything. And it worked for like a few months or something. Now I'm just going through it again. Figures. And so now here I am, crying and hating life, wishing everything was different again. Something deep inside just hurts and I need it to feel better, I really do. But fuck, I can’t talk to people. My boyfriend would just dismiss my feelings and say I’m crazy and shit, maybe be compassionate in a totally clinical way which in the end just makes me feel more isolated. Either way, I just end up going through it alone time after time, waiting for it to get better again. And it will, I know it will, I just have to feel really low for a while, get it out of my system for now and then feel ok before doing it all over again…ah well. Life sucks but we do it anyway. Again and again. I just need someone here right now...but that feeling will pass.

Wine night musings

Wed, 09 May 2007 03:26:41 GMT

Currently I'm rocking the philosophical wisdom that only wine night can bring, so what better time to do a live journal post?

Ok, so I have a dear friend who just got engaged with no impending or post-pending (is that even a word? prolly not) due date, a few going through the whole mortgage thing, a spattering of those going through getting/contemplating their masters degrees/PhD's, in general getting a let up in the world of adulthood ...and here I am. It's like I'm stuck in little kid land but with a job that I can't just call out of if I feel like it. It's like the worst of both worlds. I can't see a future in either one of them, and yet here I am trudging through everyday, just trying for a little amusement or distraction along the way and only getting frustration from that too. I know it could be so much worse and I'm grateful for what I have. I could easily list three things I'm greatful for today, so I suppose by Oprah's standards I'm doing ok, but I still feel like there's just this thing I"m missing and I don't know what it is or how to find it or anything...I suppose it could be fulfillment, which is something notoriously hard to get. Those who are so sure of themselves can wake up one day and realize that their path somehow took them past that stop on the road and while their trying to get back to it they leave their wives and kids and just in general make a mess of things.

Geeze, I sound so pathetic. This whole early-life crisis thing is so full of shit but at the same time so real and so happening to me that I can't ignore it. It's pathetic really. This whole malaise that has taken over so much of my generation...arg. But in the mean time, between now and what I hope to do/accomplish I'll just put on a distraction, go to sleep, and get up in the morning to restart the whole daily process that is being in between worlds. It's more exhausting than it sounds, but at least I have time to work out.

it's gonna be one of those days

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 10:37:59 GMT

How do i know this? Well, it's 6:30 and :

~I got no sleep, so I'm running on empty
~Its' raining and coolish, so outside is misirible
~It's been cold in the tech office at work so someone turned the heat up and it's like a sauna in here. Luckily I never get to sit down so that's ok...arg
~And the ultimate shit-tastic wonder of this morning: I've managed to lock my keys in my car. Yeah....it's gonna be a great day.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 12:02:36 GMT

So the first week of April is coming to a close and it's snowing...yeah. Seriously, I had to come in this morning to do the early dose in the chronic and I had to scrape the snow off my car windows. At least it was soft, powdery snow and not icy stuff. It's still annoying to drive though, and it made me go slightly slower than I would normally. Still, I did get to work in less time than I ever do during the week. Now I'm about half-way though my day and wishing that when I get home there would be a nice man with a warm drink waiting for me. Someone I could just curl up and watch a movie with, then maybe go for a walk and make snow angles with. Damn, would you listen to me? I sound wistful for times I've never had and prolly never will. After all, men suck. Or at least the ones I seem to date do. Ilia's nice, but he's got no romance and to him paying for stuff is the only overt showing of love and affection I could hope to get. I need a new one, or at least a better one.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 04:12:54 GMT

I've never lived close to anyone but my immediate family. I've always had to fly somewhere to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I guess I just expect it. To me it's like if you say "I'm gonna see my grandma today" and you mean going down the street, I mean going to the opposite coast. As long as she's happy to see me. We may not be close or in each others lives, but we're family. I'm ok with it. I guess it's just who I am, how I am, what I'm used to...me. In any case I'll be in california from saturday till tuesday. I got my ticket today, and it was a mere $300 and screwing over coworkers. Fuck 'em. I win! Yay!

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 02:30:11 GMT

So I know I have nothing to complain about compared to those in upstate New York and whatever, but this snow is totally suck-ass. I spent the night in a hotel last night because the greatness that is the company I work for offered to pay. Fine. I didn't sleep a wink, and I was exhausted. It was kinda dirty...I found hair in the bed before I climbed in. At least they weren't short-and-curlies, but I still was greatful that I had my weekend bag from richmond with me. Speaking of which: I really need to wash those clothes cos they all smell either of vomit or cigarett smoke. And not from the same night. I was wasted on saturday night, but in control-ish. Sunday night, after a normal day even free of hangovers, I wake up over an hour after I got to bed and start throwing up. This goes on, along with the worst of the other end stuff I've ever delt with. I swear it had to be food poisioning. Yeah, for the second time this month. Either that or a bug, but fucking something. I actually called into work, which I hate doing, but ah well. So I definatly have to go in tomorrow. Though I relly don't wanna, given that last night I didn't sleep. Ah well, it'll be ok.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 01:52:55 GMT

OK, I managed to survive today and I get to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. And so on and so forth until I die. I don't mind the work, I enjoy it in fact, but that's still a depressing thought. Mrow.

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 16:48:25 GMT

So apparently today is the most depressing day of the year according to this equation:

[W + (D-d)] x TQM x NA.

where:

W: How bad the weather is at this time of year. {worst day of the year so far; snow, ice, ickness all around}
D: Amount of debt accumulated over the holidays minus how much is paid off. {i'm good, but i'm sure that isn't universal}
T: The time since the holidays. {it has been too long}
Q: Amount of time passed since New Year’s resolutions have gone south. {about 2 weeks for me}
M: Our general motivation levels. {never high for me anyway}
NA: The need to take action. {meh}

Full article here:
http://health.msn.com/centers/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100153568>1=8973

Total BS or not, I had to be here at 5 am and so far in just under 7 hours of working I've managed to bugger a large portion of our data collection for a new study. It'll take a while to correct. The compound for a new study has been delayed by about 12 hours. So in theory if we get it by the new "on time" we'd have to be here till a little after 12am to do the follow up observations. The client doesn't want to delay the start date...ick. Two people were here between the hours of 12am and 4am because they passed here on their way home from trips and realized that they woudn't make it back by start time if they went to their beds now. Yet I'm still feeling pretty darn chipper. It's not depressing, it's just shit-tastic!

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 22:40:23 GMT

This story is hilarious. Click the link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6283677.stm

It's amazing how much of a difference a year can make. Last year this time I loved the snow. It was like "WOHOO!!" Now it's more like "god damn it, I'm gonna have to drive to work in this tomorrow...to be there at 5am...god damn it". I hate being old.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 15:05:24 GMT

I'm so lame. I spent friday night sleeping. This isn't the first time. I even had plans to go to alexandria and hit up a Karoke night, but I couldn't go cos I was sleeping and not feeling well. I need to find my awesomeness again.

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 14:50:46 GMT

Golly gee, I never realized that one day I'd wake up at 9:30 and think "man, i got to sleep in so late". tehe, oldness is funny.

Pay Day

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 13:06:26 GMT

I just got paid. For the next couple of days I will have over $2000 in my checking account. $2285 and change to be exact-ish. It's a nice feeling. Of course once I pay my credit card bill and write a check to my parents for my cell phone/car insurance/wardrobe thingie/a little extra it'll be about half that...but for now it feels good. I'm thinking I'll be starting my IRA next week, and I'll definitely be putting money into my mutual fund (or as I like to think of it: down payment or grad school monies). For someone who's more used to having $20 left in her checking account this is a great feeling. Life's looking up. :)

Also, I'll be in Hampton Roads this weekend for my friend Nick's party. Drop me a line if you wanna chill/hang out/get picked up along the way.

If I ever say "lets go to new york" just smack me

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 17:53:19 GMT

So I went to Atlantic City/New York for the New Year's festivities and whatnot, and honestly we could have skipped the last day and it would have rocked.

Atlantic city rocked though. I came home with $8 more than I left with, and that's after paying what seemed like millions upon millions of tolls. Seriously, New Jersey isn't the garden state, it's the toll state. And their roads are so not worth it, seeing as how I now need to get that balancing I've been putting off doing for several months. OK, so it's not New Jersey's fault, but still. Anyway. Ilia left with $500 extra dollars. He played the roulette wheel and I was smart enough to take many many of his chips away when he had lots, then keep the money from him. It helps to have a girlfriend with half a brain. It'd help more to have a boyfriend who didn't need babysitting, but I have a feeling most guys would keep going when they were up $500 because the alcohol is free and the whole gambling thing is the drug that rocks. So yeah, I totally got at least $100 in free drinks and walked away with money. So it was good.

Oh yeah, and Tolya and Kirill got a hooker to fuck. Yeah, she was totally a crack whore, and me and Ilia had to leave the hotel suite we shared. Then after the casino Tolya brought another girl back to the hotel and got a blowjob in the bathroom, which connected the room where Ilia and I were sleeping. He's loud when he gets a bj. He likes girls to kiss whoo-whoo. *shudder*

Brooklyn sucked. The sauna thing was ok, and being beaten with leaves while in a hot room is surprisingly refreshing, but the trip was hell. The "restaurant" was really rented by a bunch of close friends who all chipped in on the price, and apparently we just got extra seats. So we basically crashed the party of a group of friends we didn't know. I was uncomfortable all night long, Ilia was being pissy for much of the night, and then I didn't get laid cos we were sharing a room among 6 people. And you fucking try to get a cab to take 6 people from Brooklyn to the airport hotel at 4 am on New Years day. And it took 7 hours to get home.

But despite it all: Happy year of the flaming pig. May it be a damn sight prettier than the year that passed.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 12:14:45 GMT

I have close to $1500 in my checking account right now...it feels so good.

I'm quickly becoming like my parents and i really don't care much.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:23:35 GMT

I was listening to NPR on my way home and just as I started to feel old and kinda sad for listening to it they played a report that just made me...not chuckle or feel happy, but there was defiantly amusement in the mix. It seem that France has this god awful terrible problem with soccer hooligans, racist ones at that. Their main chant goes something like "France is white, France is French, down with immigrants, Islam out of Europe". I hope it flows better in French, cos that just doesn't work as a chant to me. These French versions of white-trash none the less joined forces with a bunch of Muslim/North African/Black French fans to beat up on a bunch of fans supporting the Jewish team at a France-Israel club match. Does that just not make you go "heh, the world's going to hell...that's why I'm in this hand basket....lalalalalalalalala". Not even racist xenophobes can help but join forces with those they're against if it means more effective Jew beating. But it'll go right back to anti-Black/Muslim sentiment next week. The best part is that this whole soccer-hooligan thing has been as bad for years, it's just that they're only now admitting it's a problem and dealing with it in a real way. Just like the damn French. Don't deal with a problem until it's already goose-stepped it's way into the heart of Paris and the world is all like "Well that's why you have streets lined with trees."

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 00:35:44 GMT

From that sourse of all that is unnecessary, but totally addictive, "news" that is msn.com:

Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas, says that anyone who insults her voice insults God. “I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing,” the white hip-hopper told Vibe. “You can’t take that away from me, ‘cause singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can’t sing, it’s kind of like insulting God.”

Yes, because God is just sitting up there in heaven shaking his groove thing to how she "wanna go down like london-london-london bridge". And let's not forget her lovely lady lumps and how a certain somone wants to mix her milk with his coco puffs. You know the good lord gets down to that song. Now yes, I do love that particular song because the idea is amusing and it's got a good beat, but I somehow doubt god would approve. If you write catchy pop songs promoting sex and whatnot you prolly shouldn't involve god. Same goes for anyone who mentions the "bitches" and/or "hoes" he's smacked like a pimp. It's quite possible I will listen to your songs, and sing or dance along with some sense of "oh god, I can't believe i'm doing this but it's so fun!". Just don't bring god into it. If he exists in the manner you're saying then he probably isn't interested in your music.
In other music news I"m kinda disappointed wiht the Red Hot Chili Pepper's new album. I mean "Hey-oh, listen what I say-oh"? WTF mate? So not at your level. Bad peppers, bad. Now you should let me spank you....:p

That has been my rant for the evening. Thank you.

what am i doing in this desert?

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 08:15:04 GMT

So I don't know what I was expecting from Sudanese music, but what I heard to night was amazing. So full of emotion and descriptive in a way that I've never heard from violins. One song actually sounded like the women who surrounded me in their colorful native garb. Another sounded like a memory of home, the kind you get when you've been far away for a while and all the bad parts of its reality have faded. Seriously, beautiful. And in case you're wondering why I was at a Sudanese concert, a coworker from Sudan invited me. Which was cool, and so much appreciated.

One thing though did make me think of my life as just a tv show that's been on the air too long. I was surrounded by people who are all from the same place in the world where English is not spoken, so they're all speaking in their native tounge. I get it and don't mind at all, but I couldn't help but think: Now see Erin not knowing what's being said around her, but this time it's in *slight dramatic pause* Sudanese!

Yeah, I know I'm nuts. But I'm so fucking fun :) You know you love me.

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 12:42:03 GMT

my vodka has begun to infuse...maybe i should do another flaver too. Meh, it's not like i have a lot of friends.

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 12:32:13 GMT

The madness of thanksgiving is over, the madness of the day after thanksgiving is over (don't shop on black friday, it's scary), and now for the madness of helping your parents fix up your old house. YAY!

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 10:50:31 GMT

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6148590.stm

This honestly makes me ill. Currently in Pakistan a woman has to produce 4 *male* witnesses to a rape in order for it to be a valid calaim. Otherwise she's committed adultery and can be punished. At least the legislation is trying to change the law to make it, oh I don't know how to put this...sane?!? But the religious leaders say that that would break Islamic law. It breaks their law to punish rapists. Yeah. Oh right, I forgot, women are asking for it. Stupid vagina, asking for penises to be shoved into you forcibly for no reason whatsoever.

A story I heard yesterday from Saudi Arabia told of a woman who was gangraped by 4 men and she was sentenced to 90 lashes. The most sever punishment for the men was 5 years in prison, 1000 lashes. The last was for 1 year in prison, 80 lashes. That's 10 lashes less than his victim. And someone filmed the whole thing on their cell phone and he's not in any legal trouble. What the fuck. Why are your middle eastern alies all so fucking pro-rape? I really try to no judge on the basis of religion, but muslims really do worry me deeply on some levels. 4 male witnesses or she's not been raped, she just fucked outside of marriage...by being forcibly made to do it...but that doesn't matter, she's a whore. And her brother would probably get less than a year in jail for killing her. What religion actually says this sort of thing is ok? Why does anyone think this is ok, in any way, shape, or form? Why do some people matter so little to their own society, to their own family even, that their lives or wellbeings are forfit by the actions of another and there is no jusice for them? It almost makes me want to believe in an afterlife ruled over by "god". At least then there'd be justice somewhere.

morning news that maeks me chuckle

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 10:52:39 GMT

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6132216.stm

Even the south americans have immigration issues with damn illegals. also notice how the violence in colombia and the exodus to equidor started *drumroll* SIX YEARS AGO!

and http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6145470.stm

Uzbekistan, those assholes. (if you haven't seen Borat yet you prolly don't get that joke. see Borat.)

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 04:28:56 GMT

Oh, and monkey herpes is like 70% deadly when contracted by a human. So be vary warry of that cold sore. And you can get it if a monkey pees in your eye. Sucks.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 04:22:43 GMT

Ok, this election is pising me off. It's pissing me off more than having to get up at 5am to drive an hour and 15 minutes to work. Actually ~knock on wood~ that isn't bothering me too much yet. But flying-spaghetti monster damn it! Seriously people! stop with whole "teh gayz can't marry, that's for god to allow men and women to do". that's bullshizzle. but at least it's not the land slide that I would have worried about. And George Allen is a racist idiot. bah. I give up on you all.

I totally lapsed into a minor coma today during the saftey lecture. I'm sorry, but I know how to use a fire extinguisher and to no touch broken glass and to not clean up blood with my bare hand. It's just tedious stuff, and I lost my awakeness despite trying really hard to not. Only one more day of such training, then I get into real stuff. And longer days. It's a catch-22.

I survived!

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 00:24:17 GMT

I got through my first day of training. The basic shizzle will be tomorrow and most of wednesday, then i start to get lab specific training. As I'm working with animals in a clinical testing setting I'm now contractually obligated to keep my pets fully up to date on vaccinations and shower before work (seriously, it's because I have pets). Not that I wouldn't do so anyway, but that the shower thing was actually specified amuses me. But anyhoo, I'm not such a fan of the commute but it could be worse. I need to get used to this schedule and I think I'll be good. Man I'm tired.

PS: IF YOU LIVE IN VIRGINIA AND DON'T VOTE TOMORROW YOU SUCK! Unless you support George Allen and/or plan to "vote 'yes' 4 marriage". If that's the case you should probably skip the voting and instead go see a doctor cos your head is stuck way up your back side.