It is something painfully hilarious about my life, an inescapable tragic fact that I will never be happy. I suffer from what has to be just chronic clinical depression. I'll go through a long period of mild high and then a long period of mild low, then bob through really, really low. Nothing is right, nothing feels right. All I want is someone around to give me a hug and make it ok, but by the very nature of my life I've never really had that. I always pick men who are inaccessible to me, friends are always too busy. I went through this exact bullshit last year and I changed my life. Changed plans, how I looked at things, everything. And it worked for like a few months or something. Now I'm just going through it again. Figures. And so now here I am, crying and hating life, wishing everything was different again. Something deep inside just hurts and I need it to feel better, I really do. But fuck, I can’t talk to people. My boyfriend would just dismiss my feelings and say I’m crazy and shit, maybe be compassionate in a totally clinical way which in the end just makes me feel more isolated. Either way, I just end up going through it alone time after time, waiting for it to get better again. And it will, I know it will, I just have to feel really low for a while, get it out of my system for now and then feel ok before doing it all over again…ah well. Life sucks but we do it anyway. Again and again. I just need someone here right now...but that feeling will pass.